Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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