Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
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He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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