what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
