So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
