Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
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