I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im about as happy as oj after his trial
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
