well I can't set my house on fire every night
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Panties = found
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