My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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