And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
