Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She bit a glass in half.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
