im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
