TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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