I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
