I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
