no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Best friends brother. Beat that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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