3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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