She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
