why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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