I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What a dumb baby whore.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
