Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
there is glitter all over my balls
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