Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
