life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
