Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
