nut hugger
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
