Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
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Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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