..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
