Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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