when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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