You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
