I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
