my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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