I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
