the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think your dad took our porno
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
try to milk me bitch
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