Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I wish I could teleport
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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