I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
