First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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