I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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