he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
