Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
