I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
