I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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