Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
