wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
