There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
