Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I have fence marks all over my body
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
