I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
