I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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