your parents love me but you hate me
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
