He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
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Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
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Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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