Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
