seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
