Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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