I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
