and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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