I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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