I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
