It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
